THE 10 COMMANDMENTS OF CINEMA

Went to the cinema last night to see the latest Harry Potter film. We had great tickets to a huge screen thanks to  Niko & Andi who got them for my birthday. We also went for an excellent meal beforehand (Ostrich, Antelope & Shark - yum) and were all thoroughly excited about the film. We made it to the seats in time, even though Niko and I had to down about 5 litres of Plum wine before we could leave the restaurant (I mistakenly hinted that the night was connected to my birthday) and we needed another 20 mins to carry the additional 400 litres of Plum wine we were sent away with (do they get a tax deduction for giving this stuff away?).
I took my place on the end of our group next to a lad of about 19 yrs (and let's get this clear - age is not an excuse for what comes next). The film started with me thinking that his loud discussion with his girlfriend would now stop and that he would now watch the film. It didn't. The next 4 hours (there was  a break) were a trial of my patience. He sent SMS messages every 5 minutes - once he even tried to answer his mobile!! He spoke - not whispered - continuously, he performed random actions such as placing his drinking straw in his mouth and pretending to smoke it with sound effects. I could go on and on. The worst bit of it all was my complete and utter passive britishness. Any right-minded person would have had a word early on, but I didn't.
Up until near the end of the film that is. PETRIFICUS TOTALUS! Job done.

Still yesterday brought the publication of the 10 Commandments of Cinema:

although these have UK cinemas in mind, they are a must for all cinemas worldwide. If you have ever suffered in any way through the actions of another person at a cinema then now is the time to raise your voice. Get your cinema to adopt these rules, display these rules, CELBRATE THESE RULES. All of them. Except for the one about Nachos. I love Nachos and I am a ninja when it comes to eating them. And they are always finished before the trailers even come on usually.
GET TO WORK!!!

p.s. Hello to Jason Isaacs.

Leap of faith

This jump took the parachutist in the direction of Salzburg Castle. Siegrid is planning to send me on one these jumps (true). She also made me renegotiate our insurance policies last month. If this blog suddenly stops and my wife starts shooting with a 5d Mark II, please point the Austrian police towards this blog post.

A peak you reach

A composite image of the view facing north-west from Mt. Gaisberg, Salzburg.
Somewhere in that valley is my house. This image is based on 10 original images, stitched together using Hugin Panorama Creator.

Now, seeing as though that wasn't particularly funny, I heartily recommend watching this video. I cry tears of laughter EVERY TIME.

EDGEDOWN again

I forgot to mention that Dani the drummer got married on Saturday. That didn't stop him playing the gig on Saturday night, naturally - rock'n'roll \m/

Congrats to Mr & Mrs Eicken!!

Edgedown LIVE

Just got back from "50 Stitches to Salvation"'s birthday bash, where Edgedown played the aftershow party.
As the more observant of you may remember, I did a shoot with Edgedown not so long ago. I also recently helped them with writing their newest song (it pays to be an English native speaker). Tonight I got to hear them play it live on stage for the first time. IT KICKED ASS!!!!

EDGEDOWN, 07th November 2010

If I get time tomorrow (later today!) I'll put some more up!

BOUDOIR - NAKED FEMALES - FLESH!!!!

Yes today's post is a wild change in direction. Inspired by the amount of hits Siegrid's blog gets everytime she does a boudoir shoot, I have decided to my blog needs to man-up.

So first of all, a bit of flesh:

Secondly, a naked female in her boudoir:

There, I hope you're all happy.

Now for the next part of the blog, it is vital that you open this piece of music in another tab or window. Let the music play laudably before continuing with this post.

Done? Ok...

Siegrid is out on a photo shoot right now, which meant an early start for us all this morning. As breakfast was finished, Siegrid remained seated at the table and started on her eye make-up. Having done this, she asked my opinion

"Does it look alright?".

What on earth possessed me I don't know, maybe it was the early hour of day, or the general lack of sleep, or the liberal medicinal dose of Jack Daniels I took last night, or my high fruit & chili diet; whatever, I decided to  - *GASP* - tell the truth and mention that it looked as if 2 lashes looked as if they were "clumped together".

If you are not listening to the music now - you really aren't getting the correct atmosphere necessary for these events. If O Fortuna ain't cutting it, try THIS.

The chilling look she gave me froze the blood in my veins. All the clocks in the house stopped. Outside the house, no birds were singing, no sunlight pierced the fog gathering rapidly around the house. Then a backlit Siegrid loomed over my cowering figure and spoke again.

"I suppose..."

I was now too scared to look. With my head in my hands I rocked furiously, wishing that this all would end

"...that I had better... do something... about this"

It is at this point that I can't remember any more. The next thing I know, I'm stood in the corner of the room, facing the wall(s). Noting that Siegrid had now gone, I dragged myself into the bathroom and saw this:

That was definitely not there when I woke up this morning!

Next time she asks, I think I'll tell her she looks great.

p.s. the naked flesh at the top of this blog is my armpit, I seriously hope nobody found that sexy...

Diary of a non-smoker: Day 8, NEWSFLASH!

It's been a week of non-smoking, and not a single puff of smoke has entered my body.

However.

I have the most erratic diet ever. I am eating a large quantity of fruit at work to keep me going:

My hourly intake of apples and satsumas

The worst effect is my grazing - I will eat anything that is put in front of me. ANYTHING. Remember the scene from Jaws where they cut open that shark's stomach and remove items like car registration plates? If I was to die right now, the forensic pathologist would be kept amused for days over the contents of my stomach; "A pizza, a cake, apples, satsumas, some trick-or-treaters (including bags of sweets, costumes), 3 Halloween pumpkins (still lit), a car registration plate, and lots of chili powder - in fact enough chili to cover all of the above liberally, and then some".

I guess it's back to the gym next week, before I can't fit through the changing room door anymore :(

Crop circles? Bah!

They are sooooo 20th Century! Everyone who's in the know knows that these days, the coolest aliens leave behind leaf mosaics. Once we awoke from our sugar-induced comas today, we were met with a truly magical sight. Visitors from afar (a galaxy far, far away?) left us the following:

 Quite clearly a pumpkin

A minion! From Despicable Me!!! Coooool...

Happy Halloween

We've got bags of goodies to nibble on :)

lots of love,

Darth Wormslurper & Lord Cinderbottom

Diary of a non-smoker: Day 2, I curse Sir Walter Raleigh

Actually today wasn't that bad.

Apart from the puking. Indiscriminate, projectile, runny vomit.

No not mine, but I'll get back to that in a minute.

Today I'm a little drained. Not quite a smoker, not yet a proper non-smoker. I spent a lot of time outdoors with the youngest today. We were playing Crazy Volleyball (© Jamie Cain), you know, the sport where your children bounce on the trampoline and you have to play volleyball with them from outside the trampo. Don't know it yet? Well get started, it's gonna be THE extreme sport of 2011. Anyway, whilst playing the youngest picked up some of the leaves that had just blown onto the trampoline, carried them towards me before letting them fly and shouting "LOSER CONFETTI!".

Brilliant. 

LOSER CONFETTI

So anyway, the puke. It was the oldest's. My wife has an uncanny habit of dodging puke. Ever since the kids were babies I have been a puke magnet. Siegrid could hold a sick child for hours and it will not be sick. It only needs to come within my general proximity and the bluetouch paper gets lit. And today? The oldest came home and let rip all through the house, poor thing. Siegrid? Out on a photoshoot. Out shopping, etc.

Some people have all the luck.

Still no ciggies :D

Diary of a non-smoker: Day 1, A clean plate.

I quit the cigarettes last night (again). To ease me through the tricky initial phase I thought I'd share my thoughts with you.



Day One

6.30 - made it to work without the usual crafty cig while waiting to be picked up; inclusive bag of fruit, nuts, and sugar for tea readily packed. the 0° cold at that time of the morning makes it easier to head indoors without having a smoke first

6.45 - once at my desk I arrange my fruit nicely in a bowl, make a cup of tea and sit down.

6.46 - the mental itching starts

6.50 - have a satsuma - "fruit up"!

6.51 - grrrr

7.05 - have an "überlebenskäse" (leberkäsesemmel/liver cheese butty)

7.30 - grrrr!

8.00 - Andrea arrives at work with advent calendars for me & the woaz -

Mine features Santa's workshop where the child labourers (they aren't elves, where are the beards eh?) seem pretty happy - I don't see what all the fuss over child slavery is about. However that standard of presents they are making is rather worrying me: no ps3, xbox or wii in sight. Their disregard for Health & Safety is shocking too. They are using candles on a real, very flammable christmas tree, using chairs to reach up high, they have a rodent problem and they are using chemicals in the immediate vicinity of food. I would even suggest the general good mood of the workers may be attributed to the paint fumes in a poorly ventilated room.

I am very happy with my Santa's Sweatshop Calendar. It takes a brave company to promote capitalism ahead of human rights at any time of year, but to do this mixed in with xmas is genius. Well done Douceur!

Woaz's calendar is also strangely surreal. Santa appears to have fallen out of his sleigh and is plummetting towards earth - though he has not yet realised this, or he's too drunk to care. Below him the kids are celebrating this. I would guess that these are the disenfranchised "bad" kids who were not expecting to get anything, but now find themselves in the midst of a gift shower. The lack of reindeer in the scene suggests that santa fell out at a greater height. The fact that his sack has ripped suggests that sharp hooves may have helped to push him out. This "accident" was probably a result of the neglectful conditions we saw in Santa's workshop for small children the other calendar. Judging by those standards, the Reindeer were kept in battery conditions and forced to feed on the corpses of their disease-ridden brethren.


8.20 - The excitement of the calendars being over, I have an apple

8.25 - Grrrr (this is the sound of me mentally (not physically) grinding my teeth)

8.30 - I have a satsuma. it's now 8.30 in the morning and half of my satsumas have gone :(

8.40 - Good news, my colleague Max and I strike a deal whereby the remains of our sport kitty will be used for the purchasing of pizza at lunchtime. Result! (the rest of the sport kitty was used for getting drunk with, obviously)

9.00 - Now breaktime. To distract myself, I make a small art installation in our kitchen with the help of the woaz.

With 'The death of Wedgwood' in place, return to desk. Meh.

9.20 Random moments keep occurring where I'm thinking "oh I could have a cigarette now!", before remembering I've stopped. Out of experience, I know these moments are a big part of the initial struggle as my mind struggles to give up old routines and habits.

9.24 GrrrRrrr

9.30 I seem to have a mild burning behind my eyeballs - stretching back towards my brain. This is the nicotine leaving my body. I kind of feel like taking two pencils and stabbing my eyes.

9.31 GRRRrrr

9.32 At least I'm not irritable ;)

9.40 The bit I'm dreading is when Siegrid finds out. It is always causes friction when she knows I've stopped, because she then expects me to be snappy and almost provokes it. Nicotine junkie paranoia? Maybe...
I plan on not telling her for as long as possible - I've fallen at THAT hurdle before. This would mean not blogging this though. Sh1te. I'll guess she'll know by tomorrow - unless she doesn't actually read my blog...

9.45 I've spent most of the morning listening to Bill Callahan. This may be influencing my mood. Time to change to Mumford & Sons..
.
9.50 Siegrid rang. Didn't mention it....

10.00 I think I will end up drinking waaaaay too much tea today. That's already 5 mugs down and the morning's just getting going.

10.05 Abandoned Mumford & Sons. For silence. Aural stimulation is not helping me right now

10.15 It would seem the art installation wasn't to everyone's taste. The murder victim has been partially tidied up, presumably by the offender, looking to cover his/her tracks.

10.16-10.59 GrrrrrrrRRRR

11.00 only 2 pcs. fruit left

11.03 Ordered lunch for the office, 57 mins to pizza time :)

11.05  tea no. 6

11.43 nearly pizza time. sigh.

11.48 nearly pizza time. piiiiiiizza pizza pizza piiiiiizza time.

11.53 oh come ooooooooooon....

12.45

mmmmm, piiiizzzza -is there nothing in the world you can't make better? (Apart from eating disorders, obesity etc. - duh!). That was an absolute beauty. Doner kebab meat, pineapple, chili. And a huge portion thereof. mmmmm.

12.57 still have the itchy eyeballs - I wish I could curl up in a ball somewhere and have a bit of shuteye...

13.00 meh

13.37 it's crazy how often I'm having unsolicited thoughts about cigarettes - again, it's only weird because I would normally react to these thoughts by going for a smoke, but today it means reminding myself that I don't smoke

13.42 a good cup of tea does the job

13.45 fruit bowl only has 1 pc. left :( maybe this is how Wedgwood bought it - he just couldn't provide anymore...


14.00-15.30 repeated banging of head on desk brings light relief, then home


I hope I get on better tomorrow, but at least none smoked today :D

The calm before the storm

Last week I shot my wife - this week I cut her up!

That is, I used the "Cutout" filter in Photoshop ;) What on earth were you thinking?

Siegrid waiting for customers, Lake Holzoster

the michael bayifier

it's probably the best photo software tool ever - the Michael Bayifier.

It has the power to turn even the most mundane photo into a scene straight from a Michael Bay film (you know, films like Transformers, Bad Boys II, The Rock, Armageddon, Transformers II, Pearl Harbor, errr... Transformers III).

This is my effort - I call it Bad Boys III: Boys on the Roof. And yes, that is Shia Labeouf...

Keep your eyes peeled for Transformers IV

International Suit Up Day - Named and Shamed

Imagine if you will a galaxy far, far away. Luke Skywalker is about to make the Death Star trench run in his X-Wing. The hopes of millions of oppressed souls await the success of this rebel attack against the ultimate weapon of mass destruction. He lowers his ship into the trench, turns off the targeting computer (use the force Luke!) and then:


Darth Vader cruises up behind him and fires a couple of lazy blasts.

Luke's ship gets blown up.

Luke dies.

Darth Vader flies home and has smoked kipper for breakfast.



The galaxy suffers further tyranny at the hands of the Empire for millenia.

How did this happen? What kind of twisted parallel universe is this? A WORLD WITHOUT WINGMEN! 

A good wingman or two is a necessity. In my example above, their absence meant that Vader could concentrate on wiping out the Rebels' "New Hope".
In reality (yes, that's where I'm going with this) Luke had wingmen who diverted Vader's attention away long enough to allow Luke to be in a position to make the shot. Whether those wingmen were the cannon fodder of red squadron, or the knight in shining millenium falcon that was Han Solo; the result is the same. We all, from the lowliest office worker to the most prominent Jedis, need wingmen.

All of which brings me to International Suit Up Day. The day when a bro can expect his bros to upheld the bro code. When a man should be able to rely on his wingmen. Two such wingmen failed in their duties today. Spicy and Woaz, enjoy your moment of shame...

 Ah, the man himself showing us all how it's done

In the word(s) of Darth Vader: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Happy International Suit Up Day everybody, see you again 13th October 2011...

Footsteps

It is not the job of the next generation to retread our footsteps, nor ours to compel them. Even if their journeys should end in the same destination - they should be journeys of wonder and discovery, not duty.

Yesterday I shot my wife

Well, I'd better clarify that - these aren't the opening lyrics to my debut country & western song. No, Siegrid and I found ourselves with 10 minutes to kill this afternoon and unusually, this meant that she thrust her precious camera into my hands.

 

Siegrid's new mug, a little prezzie from England

 

 The obligatory foot fetish shot...

The joys of shooting a photographer are many, especially when you are married to that photographer. "Why?" you ask?:

• She is the only beautiful woman I am allowed to photograph. For the rest of my life.
• She presets the camera to her preferences
• She tells me exactly what photos I'm going to take.
• She offers plenty of helpful tips, whether I want them or not
• etc.

Just joking (obviously). We celebrated our birthdays over the last 2 weeks and we're hoping to grab a weekend away sans enfants soon. I fancy revisiting Prague as it would be a dream for taking photos, but any suggestions are welcome!

 

and there's more

the computer's being bloody unpredictable, yesterday we had 7 consecutive bsods.
I've updated all the drivers etc. and all seems to be fine again - but for how long?

Anyhoo, this all meant I had more access to the computer than normal so I sneaked in a rework of an Edgedown photo.

CLICK HERE - Edgedown Demo CD review (German)

Edgedown cont.

Some more photos from the Edgedown shoot. I've been playing around with a few different effects - which explains the vast difference in styles between the photos. I finally got round to making myself a watermark too :D

Edgedown's latest demo can be found HERE

That plug ought to earn me a beer :)

EDGEDOWN

A photo shoot today with Edgedown...

More to follow :)

The beer-tiful game

every 4 years, something special happens in the life of men. To celebrate this, I present my own wallchart for the world cup. I will provide updates, unless I drink it first (good job I bought plenty of substitutes).

 

My thanks to Stiegl beer. 

Now it's time for the opening ceremony...

Bloomin' Jungle!

It seems weird to walk through a zoo and then post a photo of a flower but this little fella really caught my eye. Considering the conditions I went through to get it, I'm pretty happy with the result. It was a hot day on sunday, and the jungle house was sweltering and humid (or "scorchio" for readers of a certain age and persuasion). This flower was high up near the roof where it was hot enough to make the sweat pour down me in buckets.
The feeling of relief when I left that building was immense, I certainly don't think I'll be visiting any rainforests in the near future, cool flowers or not...

If this flower is native to cooler climates in Europe, and torturous treks through jungles aren't necessary to see it, I think I'd rather not know.

LOST in Munich

Well it's back to the daily grind after a wonderful short break in Munich, the highlights of which I hope to post over the next week. Siegrid hasn't posted any of her stuff yet because she's gone into rehab to get over her Chai Latte addiction...

That's Ent-ertainment (la, la, la)

Whilst walking through the beautiful Ibmer Moor recently, I came across this hollywood star:

For those of you who don't recognise him immediately, he was in The Lord of the Rings Trilogy...

;)

EDIT: Siegrid couldn't see it, so a little help -

BOO

Finally, the computer is mine :D

Now that Mina has celebrated her birthday, I can unveil the photo shoot that I have had to keep silent about for the past week and a half. The idea was to make a vintage, comic label for a bottle of egg nog (Aialiköa=Eierlikor), but unfortunately there is no photo of the finished bottle itself - Mina, if you read this - please send us a photo, and Happy Birthday "after-portable/nachträglich" again ;)

A couple of those that didn't make the end product:

But the one that made it was:

Many thanks to the "Seggsi Laydies" for modelling!